CHAPTER XIX
COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENTS
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| A relaxed and happy wedding photo from the 1920s. Photo courtesy of lovedaylemon, on Flickr. |
Despite certain outstanding exceptions, a young man usually prefers the girl who inspires courtesy and interest rather than the hail fellow well met type who meets one more than half way, calls a man up by telephone frequently, offers the use of her motor and accepts invitations from men who have not troubled to call upon her. Some girls who, to their elders, seem too free and careless, may yet have certain reserves respected by the young men and women of their own circle, reserves to which the seemingly demure girl may be a stranger. And the best type of man, while friendly with other types, will, as a rule, select the self respecting girl when it comes to choosing a life partner.
A girl accepts few gifts from a man to whom she is not engaged, and these must be of the usual "flowers, books, candy" type. In other words, she does not put herself under obligation nor encourage a man to the point of proposing marriage unless she intends to accept him.
One young matron, noted for having been the belle in a brilliant group, once remarked that her husband was the only man who had ever proposed to her. When her friends laughed at the statement and named half a dozen men who had been in love with her she replied: "That is possible, but I never let a man get to the point of proposing. I much preferred keeping their friendship and letting them keep their pride unwounded. I can imagine a situation in which a girl might be surprised by a proposal, but nine times out of ten she can prevent it, and I cannot imagine a woman of fine feeling not protecting anyone from offering a thing that will be refused."
Nor should a girl allow herself to be absorbed by one man to the exclusion of others unless she is engaged to him. Being seen exclusively with one, the others think there must be some secret understanding and withdraw, and then often the young man who has caused this condition wonders why the girl is no longer popular and his own interest wanes.
Parents owe it to their children, both boys and girls, to see that they meet companions who are such as will make worth while lifelong friends, and both boys and girls will do well to think twice before accepting somebody to whom their parents object, even though, after consideration, they follow their own judgment in the matter.
ENGAGEMENTS
While the European custom of obtaining the parents' consent to pay attention to a young lady does not prevail in America, the young man who wishes to conform to the best custom as well as establish himself in the good graces of his future relatives will state frankly to his future father in law (or the nearest living relative of the girl he wishes to marry) his circumstances and financial condition and be ready to produce a clean bill of health, both physical and moral.
Frequently parents prefer some other man to the one their daughter chooses, and it lies largely with him whether or not he shall make a welcome place for himself in the family. He should be unfailingly courteous, and, on their part, the young lady's family should try to see what is best in him and never, under any circumstances, let the outside world know that they are anything but satisfied. Similarly, a young girl may make or mar the friendly attitude of the young man's family by the way she behaves towards them in the beginning of her engagement.
An engagement is announced first to relatives and intimate friends at some social gathering at the bride's home, frequently at a dinner. Toasts are now seldom offered, but a father may rise and offer a toast to his "daughter Frances and to Wallace Rogers, who is soon to be my son." Luckily for the young man the shortest of responses is expected from him; merely saying "Thank you" is sufficient answer to the congratulations that follow. This announcement is made near the end of the dinner, and the bride to be is never called upon to speak.
The announcement is made by informal note to distant relatives, and the young man does not inform his family until his fiancée and her family have made the announcement. Of course, if the two families are friends, the bridegroom's family will have been informed beforehand and his parents may be present at the announcement party. The young man or his mother will then write to the intimare friends of their family.
Sometimes the bride's announcement comes at a luncheon for her intimate girl friends, the young man dropping in late in the afternoon to meet the group and receive their congratulations.
The young man is "congratulated," but that word is never used to his fiancée, she being wished "joy" or "happiness."
The engraved form is never used in making announcement of an engagement, nor is newspaper announcement made except by a note to the society editor of local papers, sent by the young lady's parents, or the mother may call up by telephone the day before the announcement is to be made and say to the society editor: "This is Mrs. Arthur Weston speaking. Mr. and Mrs. Weston are announcing the engagement of their daughter Alice to Mr. Thomas Gates, son of Mr. and Mrs. Boyden Gates, of Des Moines." As editors have a rule against unverified announcements, parents themselves must write unless they are of such social prominence that a reporter will be sent out to verify the news.
The young man goes with his fiancée to call on such of her relatives as invite them and on elderly and invalid members of the family, but his family pay the first call on the fiancée unless they write asking her to waive the formality for some sufficient reason, age or invalidism being the usual ones, and she may then call alone or with her fiancée.
A congratulatory note or visit should be acknowledged. To a close friend of her fiancé's family a girl might write:
Dear Mrs. Waldron:
It was good of you to come to see me and I am very sorry
to have been away from home that day. And then to send
me that cordial little note! Indeed I am coming to see you
the first evening Tom is free to bring me. It means so much
to me to feel that his family and friends really want me to be
one of them.
Affectionately,
Alice Weston.
A reception may be given after an engagement is announced, or, if preferred, the girl may mention in her announcement notes that she will be at home a certain afternoon to receive friends informally, and she may telephone to some to whom she does not write. The girl's mother receives with her and her fiancé, who would be present at a formal affair and come in during an informal one. The parents and relatives of the young man should be invited, and they should call then or shortly after, and if they cannot come to the "at home" they send cards to be received on the day thereof. Sometimes a little personal note of explanation is sent as more friendly than the formal visiting card.
The engaged girl may accept gifts from the young man to whom she is engaged, but he must not give her actual cIothing of utility variety. He may give her a fur scarf but not a fur cloak; he may give her jewels and pictures, but actual furniture for their future home should remain his property, just as linens and silver are hers before they are married.
The engaged couple go about together, but if the girl is very young she still has her chaperon with her at formal dances, yachting and house parties. In some communities she might dine alone with him; in others it is considered socially incorrect to do so.
Sometimes an engagement is not announced until shortly before the marriage, but if parents have consented, young people generally prefer making the announcement, because an unannounced engagement creates rather an ambiguous situation. A young man is not supposed to show attention to other young ladies nor should an engaged girl allow other men to monopolize her time, yet if no engagement has been announced the engaged couple will create talk if seen too much together. Nor does a girl wear her engagement ring until the announcement has been made.
THE SHOWER AND OTHER GIFTS
Friends often send flowers or engagement gifts to the fiancée, but these are in no sense obligatory. The shower is still popular in some communities, but is less in vogue than it was a few years ago because the same intimate group was called on again and again.
Each guest at a shower is asked to bring an article of the sort specified, the shower being a "linen shower," "handkerchief shower," "kitchen shower" or even a "mixed shower," which means to bring anything one desires. The hostess usually serves tea, or the invitation may be for a luncheon with cards afterwards. Sometimes a shower is given for the man, but this is usually a burlesque, with gifts from the ten cent store and given by a group of men or men and girls.
BROKEN ENGAGEMENTS
In case the young woman finds she has made a mistake and the engagement is broken, she should return all gifts to the young man and he should send back any she has made him. It is not the part of good manners to go into detail over the reasons for a broken engagement; that the contracting parties found they had made a mistake is enough. No matter how he feels on the subject, the young man makes no separate statement nor does his family. No one is supposed to mention the matter to the interested parties after the announcement has been made that the engagement is broken.
If the engagement has been formally announced, then a note is sent the society editor of the paper that "the marriage arranged between Miss Alice Weston and Mr. Thomas Gates will not take place." If wedding gifts have been received, these are returned at once to the givers with a note stating that the engagement has been broken by mutual consent. Even if the break comes actually from the young man's side, the girl is the one who ostensibly ends the engagement.
CHAPTER XX
BEFORE THE WEDDING
PREPARATIONS for a wedding should begin six weeks or more before the ceremony. Theoretically the date is set by the bride in consultation with her family, but as a matter of fact she usually first consults her future husband, since much depends upon his business engagements.
INVITATIONS
Invitations should be issued two to three weeks in advance of the wedding, which means that several more weeks must be allowed for having them engraved, addressed and stamped. In making the list of those invited the bride must determine whether she will have a house or church wedding, whether many are to come to the ceremony, or, if that is to be solemnized before only a few friends, what others are to be invited to the breakfast or reception following the marriage.
Usually the bride and her mother go over their visiting lists carefully, since those who receive invitations or announcements form the nucleus of social life for the newly married couple. The bridegroom also makes a list, and his mother may be asked to suggest those she thinks should be included. These lists are revised, to avoid duplication, before the envelopes are addressed.
When the wedding is to be small and informal the bride's mother usually writes informal notes of invitation, or a young woman who is head of her father's household writes these for herself. No matter how formal or informal the wedding, the bridegroom's parents and intimate friends should be invited, whether they live at a distance or not. Even though strangers to the bride's family, she sends them invitations, and they accept or send regrets to the person in whose name the invitations were issued.
The invitation should be on a dull finish double sheet of white paper, about 7 by 5 inches in size, the engraving being in block, shaded block or script, wide margins being left and the sheet fitting the envelope with one folding. The family crest may be embossed on the invitation, but must be left uncolored, although even so it is better omitted. The monogram is never used.
Two envelopes are used, the inner one with the names on and unsealed, the outer one bearing the full address and stamped and sealed. Since the wife is the social head of the family, while the inner envelope is addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Blank," the outer one is to Mrs. Blank, with the address. A separate card should be sent to Miss Blank, but several daughters receive the one card to "The Misses Blank," while each son invited must receive his separate invitation. Better economize elsewhere than on the sending of the correct number of invitations, although there is authority for including an only daughter with the parents, writing on the inner envelope:
Mr. and Mrs. Blank
Miss Blank
The form of invitation for a church wedding would read:
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham
request the honour of
(write in name of guest here)
presence at the marriage of their daughter
Olive Margaret
to
Mr. Archer Delafield
on Tuesday the fifth of May
at twelve o'clock
at The Church of the Redeemer
In order to save writing in the names of guests the second line above may be engraved: "request the honour of your presence" and the name line omitted.
The name of the city may be added by people who have homes in more than one place, and, if the ceremony takes place at home, the house address appears in place of the name of the church. If the wedding takes place at the home of a friend the lines after the one stating the hour would read:
at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Lightner
Lake Forest
Illinois
The invitation to the reception or breakfast is enclosed for those who are invited and is on a card half the size of the invitation so it fits in, and matches it in type form:
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham
request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Grayson's
company on Tuesday the fifth of May
at one o'clock
at Seventy seven Aston Street
Or, the form may be in combination if all who are at the ceremony are to be asked to the reception:
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham
request the honoiir of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Olive Margaret
to
Mr. Archer Delafield
on Tuesday, the fifth of May
at twelve o'clock
at The Church of The Redeemer
and afterwards at Seventy seven Aston Street
R.S.V.P.
For a church wedding a small admission card is always enclosed with the invitation, to guard against uninvited guests. The card is about 2 by 3 1/2 inches in size and reads:
Please present this card
at The Church of The Redeemer
on Tuesday, the fifth of May
Cards for reserved pews for members of the two families and intimate friends are also enclosed. These may be the visiting card of the bride's mother with "Pew No.. ." written on them, or they may be engraved cards reading:
Please present this card to an usher
Pew No. [write number in]
on Tuesday, the fifth of May
If the bride has one parent living the invitations are issued in the name of that parent, but if no parent be living, invitations are issued in the name of the nearest living relative: grandparents, uncle, older sister.
In the same way, if the bride's mother is married again the invitations are issued in the name of the mother and step father, the words "their daughter" being followed on the next line by the bride's full name, as would be done also if the invitations were issued by some relative other than a parent. Of course, if the bride lived with her own father, he would issue the invitation.
Invitations to the marriage of a young widow are sent in the name of her parents, the only difference being that Mr. and Mrs. Walker would ask your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Alice Walker Gresham.
For the out of town wedding a train card is enclosed and, if a car has been reserved, the card is an admission ticket:
A special train will leave Union Station at
11:45 a.m.; and returning will leave Lake
Forest at 3:10 p. in.
Show this card at the gate
If the wedding takes place at home with only a few present, followed by a reception to which many are asked, the invitations to the ceremony are by personal notes while the engraved form is used only for those invited to the reception.
A bride whose parents are not living may write informal little notes to a few intimate friends if she is to have a home wedding, but for the church wedding of any size the invitations are issued by some relative. Especially if the bride is a widow or not very young the invitations issued by herself for a small wedding are usually preferable:
Dear Moira:
Tom and I are to be married next Tuesday, the sixth of
March, at Grace Church, at twelve o'clock. We are counting
on your being there and that you will come afterwards to a
small breakfast that Aunt Elizabeth is giving for us at our
home, Fifteen East Aldgate Road.
Affectionately yours,
Florence.
For a house wedding a formal invitation would "request the honour of your company" instead of "the honour of your presence" as is proper on an invitation to a church wedding, and for the guests at the home ceremony the invitation to reception or breakfast, admission and pew cards are not required. Notice also that in wedding invitations the word "honour" is spelled with a u.
ANSWERING WEDDING INVITATIONS
When invitations are sent formally in the third person, answers must be sent in the same form. If the Misses Blank "regret that they will be unable to be present," well and good, but if Miss Blank accepts and Miss Narcissa Blank regrets, each must send her separate answer.
Answers are sent when the invitation is to a house wedding or to the reception or breakfast, but no reply is necessary to a church wedding or to a wedding announcement.
Answers are always addressed to the person in whose name the invitation is issued, no matter whether or not the recipient knows him (or her).
If "at home" cards of the newly married couple are sent, the recipient must call or send cards to reach on the first day specified.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Announcements are sent after the wedding to notify those who were not invited to the wedding or reception of the bride's change of name and estate, and are seldom used when most friends were included in a large church gathering; but when the wedding party has been small the announcement serves to indicate that the young couple wish to include the recipient among their social acquaintance.
Note that the year is always stated in an announcement, but never in a wedding invitation:
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham
have the honour to announce
the marriage of their daughter
Olive Margaret
to
Mr. Archer Delafield
on Tuesday, the fifth of May
One thousand nine hundred and twenty four
at The Church of The Redeemer
in the City of Chicago
Even if a bride's father is no longer living, in sending announcements to the society editor of a newspaper it is correct form to use the father's name: "Miss Alice West, daughter of the late Thomas Albaugh West;" but if parents are separated and the daughter lives with her mother and step father, the latter makes the announcement.
When a widow marries again parents or near relatives issue the announcement, using her full name. An older woman sometimes issues her own announcement:
Mrs. Leonore Bovary
and
Mr. Ellis Torrison
have the honour to announce their marriage
on Wednesday, the eighth of March
One thousand nine hundred and twenty four
at The Gables
Ardmore, Pennsylvania
With the announcement may be enclosed a card giving the future address:
Mr. and Mrs. Ellis Torrison
At home after June first
6700 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
A more formal card may be sent and the city name omitted if the bride remains in her home town:
Mr. and Mrs. Ellis Torrison
will be at home
after the tenth of January
at Forty eight Gretney Road
WEDDING ATTENDANTS
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| Eight attendants including six bridesmaids, the groom and the bride in a wedding of the 1920s. Photo courtesy of lovedaylemon, on Flickr. |
The bride asks her maid of honor and bridesmaids to serve as far in advance as possible, and while her maid or matron of honor should be her closest friend, if she has a number of bridesmaids a sister of the bridegroom should be one of these. Similarly the bridegroom asks a brother or other relative of the bride to be one of the ushers, both as a courtesy and also so that he can recognize and seat members of her family and close friends.
At a home wedding or a small church ceremony the number of attendants is usually limited to best man and maid of honor, though two ushers and two bridesmaids may be added. In the large home where broad halls and spacious rooms make a wedding procession possible a greater number of attendants may serve.
OTHER GENERAL PREPARATIONS
The clergyman who is to officiate is asked some time in advance, and care is taken to see that he marks the date in his calendar. If an outside clergyman is asked also, the clergyman of the church selected must be asked to assist. Arrangements must be made to have the church available on the selected date; the sexton consulted about getting the church in readiness, laying carpets to the street, raising awnings, etc. The floral decorations are arranged with the florist for both house and church; the organist, choir and house musicians engaged, and the musical program is gone over some weeks in advance. Carriages and motors are engaged at least a week ahead. Either the sexton or motor company can supply a man to open carriage doors and one to take admittance cards at the door.
Few families have a sufficient staff of servants to prepare the refreshments, caterers generally being employed to supply all or part of the food, and they may also supply extra silver, linen and china as well as waiters or waitresses, even taking over the entire management of dining room and kitchen.
THE BRIDE
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| 1920s fashionable bride and groom. Photo courtesy of lovedaylemon, on Flickr. |
Besides the preparations noted above the bride's family usually provides her with a trousseau, as simple or elaborate as their means permit and suited to the manner in which she will live. If she is to live simply, even if her parents be wealthy, household linens and clothing of a sort that she can use should be given, and not elaborate linens and garments for which she will have little use. On the other hand, if the bride's family are of limited means, a simple trousseau of necessities is sufficient and in better taste than a showy display. If the bridegroom is a man of wealth, be can provide for his wife after they are married, but she must accept no part of her trousseau from him or his family beforehand.
The bride's family provide the flowers for the bride's bouquet and also for the bridesmaids and ushers in some localities; in others this is the privilege of the bridegroom, so that one must be governed by local custom.
The bride gives her bridesmaids and maid of honor some individual gift: a bracelet, pendant or brooch would be proper, and these are given on the wedding day, at a luncheon the day before, or sent with her card to each one a day or two in advance, and usually the gift is worn by the bridesmaid. These gifts are practically the same, so that no one seems singled out for special favor.
THE BRIDE'S COSTUME
The bride should wear white, although this may have an ivory tint. The only color worn is a pale green that is sometimes introduced in facings and trimmings of the gown. For an evening wedding ivory satin is most appropriate, but for a daytime wedding some softer material may be found preferable. For a country wedding a gown of finest embroidered white lawn is effective, and in making her choice the bride should bear in mind the style of the wedding and also whether she will have future use for the gown. For the bride who will live simply or who has a quiet home wedding, a soft crepe will be more in keeping than a heavy satin.
A veil of tulle may be worn plain or with a wreath of orange blossoms (the only artificial flowers sanctioned for a bride) or attached to the Russian cap embroidered in pearls and orange blossoms, or with a cap or band of real lace.
The bride wears white slippers and hose, and her only jewels should be the gift of the bridegroom or some treasured family heirloom or gift from her own parents. White gloves are usually worn, although these are sometimes discarded in summer by brides who are married in the country. The engagement ring is worn on the right hand during the ceremony.
Sometimes a bride is married in her traveling costume, in which case she has only one attendant, who wears afternoon dress, and both wear hats. The bridegroom wears cutaway or sack suit of dark color.
At a second marriage a bride does not wear white nor does she wear a veil. She has but one attendant and no pages nor flower girls, but at a church wedding there must be ushers. She usually wears mauve or gray, and hat, shoes and hose to correspond, and may carry a bouquet, though the ivory prayer book is preferred at the second marriage. The first wedding ring and engagement ring should be removed if a second engagement ring is worn, but if not, the rings from the first marriage are removed before the second wedding day.
In planning a church wedding remember that several denominations require that a woman's head be covered in church, so that bride and bridesmaids must wear head coverings, the bride usually a veil or hat, the bridesmaids hats or little caps of lace or gold fabric and pearls.
THE BRIDE'S ATTENDANTS
The number of attendants may vary from one to a dozen or more, the usual number for a church wedding being a maid (or matron) of honor and six or eight bridesmaids, while the bridegroom selects an equal number of ushers and the best man. Half the bridesmaids may be young married women if there be a matron of honor, but if the position of honor be held by an unmarried woman, the bridesmaids must also be unmarried. Flower girls, pages and ring bearer may be added, but too long a procession defeats its own object of being effective.
The bridesmaids are paired according to height and include the bride's intimate friends and usually a sister or other relation of the bridegroom.
WHAT THE BRIDESMAIDS WEAR
The bride's attendants buy their own costumes, but the color, material and style of making are dictated by the bride. All the bridesmaids may be dressed alike or each pair wear a different color, the various pastel shades of rose, green, blue and delicate yellow being popular, but in material and style all are alike. The maid of honor wears a gown slightly different from that of the bridesmaids and carries a bouquet of another color. The bride supplies the flowers or the fan or chiffon muff they carry in place of flowers, and she should not select costumes far beyond the means of her bridesmaids. All white, with girdles of different colors to match the flowers, makes effective and economical costumes.
Flower girls and pages must also supply their own costumes, made according to the style selected by the bride.
Slippers and hose match the frocks, and hats or period caps are worn to comply with church regulations.
DUTIES OF THE BRIDE'S ATTENDANTS
The bride's attendants must appear promptly for rehearsals. At the wedding reception or breakfast they make themselves useful in looking after guests. They are at the bride's home an hour before the ceremony to receive any last instructions and be given their bouquets. The maid of honor may help the bride dress, and she always goes upstairs to aid in the change from bridal to traveling dress and notify the best man when the bride is ready to leave with the bridegroom.
Both bridesmaids and maid of honor call on the bride's mother within a few days after the wedding, or, if they are out of town friends who leave at once, they write her promptly.
THE BRIDEGROOM'S DUTIES
In most communities the bridegroom provides the bride's bouquet and boutonnie`res for his attendants and himself; in some places be also supplies the flowers for maid of honor and bridesmaids. In any event he consults the bride as to her choice in flowers.
He also sees to ordering and paying for carriages for the best man and ushers, has the clergyman's fee (which may be anything from ten dollars to several hundred) in an envelope and in possession of the best man, and, if two clergymen officiate, has fees for both unless one is a member of the family. Unless the bride's father or some friend proffers the use of a motor, he provides the car that takes him and his bride to the train.
He usually gives a farewell supper to his best man and ushers the night before the wedding (this is not done by a widower) and either then or the next day may give them their gloves and ties and some little gift like a scarf pin, cufflinks or cigarette case. Or he may send these a day or two before the wedding to their homes, enclosing his card.
Sometimes the bridegroom entertains the men, and the bride the girls of the wedding party, and the two groups meet later for a dance.
The bridegroom gives the bride a gift on the wedding day, this generally being a piece of jewelry that she wears at the wedding. Her gift to him is optional, depending largely on local custom.
The bridegroom plans the wedding journey and orders reservations some weeks in advance so he may be sure of satisfactory accommodations on trains and steamers and in hotels. When all reservations have been attended to (and be does well to ask telegraphic confirmation of rooms and Pullman space made by long distance communication) he turns over data and tickets to his best man and bothers no more about them.
WHAT THE BRIDEGROOM WEARS
While the bride chooses attire that suits her, regardless of the wedding hour, the bridegroom is governed by the time of day. For a wedding that takes place before 6 p. m. he wears a black cutaway coat with black waistcoat, dark gray striped trousers, black socks and low cut shoes, a white stiff dress shirt, black, pearl gray or black and white four in hand, gray sue`de gloves and a high silk hat. He wears a white boutonnie`re, a bit larger than that of his ushers, and may carry a cane. His gloves may be white buckskin and he may wear white spats, if he so desires. While details of attire vary from time to time, the above is essentially correct for the bridegroom who is married at any hour before 6 p. m.
There may be good reason for a man to be married in a sack suit of dark color, especially at a small home wedding, but as a matter of etiquette this is not correct, although it may be the sensible thing to do.
After 6 p. m. the only correct dress for the bridegroom is formal evening dress: full dress suit of dull faced black material, white pique` waistcoat, white lawn tie, white enamel or pearl studs in the plain white linen shirt, white gloves, black low cut shoes of patent leather and black socks and a high hat. He always has a white handkerchief, colored borders being taboo at all hours, and under no circumstances does he wear a Tuxedo.
At a country wedding in summer the bridegroom and his best man sometimes wear white flannels if the ceremony is to take place in the house or garden, but if this is done, both men wear all white, from soft felt hat to white shoes and socks and ties.
BEST MAN AND USHERS
The best man sees that the bridegroom gets his wedding license in time (in some States this must be done several days in advance) and that his luggage has been sent to train, boat or hotel, excepting the suitcase with traveling clothes that is sent to the bride's home on the wedding day and put in a room assigned to the use of the bridegroom. The best man puts railroad tickets and travel data in a pocket of the bridegroom's traveling suit or gives them to him just as he starts. He helps the bridegroom dress before the wedding, goes with him to the house or church, gives him the ring when that part of the ceremony is reached, stays behind to give the clergyman his fee, then reaches the house in time to take his place in the receiving group, and later helps the bridegroom change to his traveling suit and gets him and the bride safely started on their journey.
He also manages to see that the ushers receive their boutonnie'res either at the house or church, as previously planned, decides any last minute questions and, in case of delay, sees that the organist covers the wait by adding to the musical program.
Sometimes he carries an extra ring, so that if the original ring drops in passing it to the bridegroom there will be no awkward pause and hunting about on the floor.
His clothing is like that of the bridegroom except that his boutonnie`re is smaller and he never carries a cane. The same is true of the ushers.
WEDDING GIFTS
Wedding gifts are usually sent by those invited to the home wedding ceremony or reception, but those invited to the church or to whom announcement is sent decide the question for themselves. Gifts are sent to the bride even if the sender be a friend of the bridegroom only. Frequently the best man sends a gift to the bride but makes a personal gift to the bridegroom, and the same may be done by his immediate family, but these are sent him direct and technically are not "wedding gifts."
Table silver is given by members of the families and friends, and a bride may let it be known that she is getting a specified pattern so that all will match. All silver is marked with the initials of the bride's maiden name, since the gifts are sent before her marriage. Wedding gifts are sent as soon after the invitations are received as possible, with the sender's card enclosed in a small envelope. Intimate friends may write "With best wishes" on their cards; others send no message. There is no objection to a bride exchanging duplicate wedding gifts, since the giver's real object is to send something she can enjoy.
Gifts may be shown a few days before the wedding, friends who have sent remembrances being invited by informal note or telephoned message to come on a certain afternoon, when tea is served. Gifts are displayed in a separate room on white linen covered tables, all of the same sort of gift (silver or linen or glass) being together whether large or small, and cards are left or removed as the bride chooses.
Gifts may also be displayed on the wedding day, and guests may go in and look at them during the reception hours.
ACKNOWLEDGING GIFTS
A bride should list all gifts received or write on the back of the sender's card what was sent, so she can make definite acknowledgment, mentioning what was sent. A note should be sent at once so that the bride will not be faced by a long list of acknowledgments at the last minute. When a gift comes from a married couple the note is addressed to the wife, but the wording includes the husband:
Dear Mrs. Gregory:
The charming etching came today and it was so good of
you and Mr. Gregory to remember us so beautifully. Tom
says it is to hang in the library, but I may persuade him to
let it hang in a niche in the living room that looks as if it had
been built to bold that very picture. And when we are at
home, you must come and see the picture and us.
Sincerely yours,
Gracia Allen.
And, if Mr. and Mrs. Gregory appear at the wedding reception, when they greet the bride, the latter will again mention the "lovely etching."
The bride must be especially punctilious in acknowledging gifts from members of her future husband's family and from those she does not know intimately. Gifts may be sent by some older friends of the family who were invited only to the church or received announcements. The bride must be prompt and cordial in acknowledging such gifts. Only if they come from persons she thinks are actuated by a desire to force acquaintance, rather than by kindliness, should her acknowledgment be coldly formal.
THE REHEARSAL
Even the simplest wedding should be rehearsed lest unsuspected conditions mar the ceremony. The organist (or pianist) must be at rehearsals so the procession can be timed and learn to march with even and unhurried steps, and the processional must stop at a certain bar of music when the bride reaches the chancel with her attendants.
The organist plays and the ushers try out the march, with the rest of the party watching, to see whether the pace needs slowing or quickening, and then the entire procession tries the march, led by the bride's father and a substitute for the bride (who watches but never takes part).
At the foot of the chancel the ushers divide, followed by the bridesmaids, who stand in front of them. If there is difficulty, chalk marks may be made until drilling makes these guides unnecessary. When this is satisfactory, the clergyman, bridegroom and best man enter from the side and all positions are practiced, although no words of the service are read. Then the recessional is tried, until the organist has his cues for all the music.
ENTERTAINING THE WEDDING PARTY
Entertainments are given by intimate friends for the wedding party, the bridesmaids and ushers being included in
all these functions. The bride usually entertains her attendants at a luncheon, and her parents may give a dinner for the entire wedding party, including the bridegroom's family. Often a dinner is given for the immediate party and others are invited in to a dance afterwards. The bridegroom's dinner or supper to his best man and ushers is given the night before the wedding.
If the bridegroom's family lives out of town the bride's mother may invite members of his immediate family to her home, but usually they prefer staying at a hotel, and they are free to decline hospitalities if they desire.
CHAPTER XXI
THE WEDDING
FOR some reason Wednesday seems the most popular day for a wedding; Sundays and days in Lent are not generally chosen, and Friday being "fast day" in Catholic and certain Episcopal churches makes that an unpopular day.
The preferred hours for weddings are midday or afternoon, but any hour may be chosen, although at a morning wedding the bride is usually in traveling dress. High noon (exactly at noon), 4 p. m., 4:30 and 9 p. m. are the most popular hours, but the time is always on the hour or the half hour. The ceremony in the Catholic church is generally performed at mass, which is always in the morning, although this is not a compulsory regulation.
THE CHURCH WEDDING
A small church wedding, at which only the immediate families are present, may be conducted with the informality of the small home wedding, but as a rule many friends are invited to the church ceremony, and in that case ushers are virtually a necessity. They should arrive an hour before time to make sure everything is in order. In some communities they drive first to the home of the bride and there receive their boutonni&res and any last minute instructions, but usually they go directly to the church, where the florist's messenger has left their boutonnie`res in the vestry room, and there they also find lists (which the bride has prepared) of relatives and friends who will occupy the reserved pews. Here, too, they don their gloves and leave their hats.
They are assigned to certain aisles, those best acquainted with the families being selected for the center aisles. They make sure that the organist comes on time, the carpets and awnings are in place, that men are in attendance to open carriage doors and take admittance cards, and that the first six to ten pews on each side of the center aisle are closed off by easily removable white ribbons.
As guests arrive an usher offers his arm to the lady and escorts her to a pew, the gentleman accompanying her following a step behind. Guests must always take the places assigned them by the ushers. If cards with pew numbers have been sent to the guests, they show these, but otherwise the usher asks strangers if they are friends of the bride's family or the bridegroom's and seats them accordingly, pews on the left being for the former and on the right for the latter. The first pew on the right is kept for the bridegroom's parents or next of kin; that on the left for the bride's immediate family.
The organist plays a musical program (usually selected some weeks in advance by the bride) for about an hour before the wedding party arrives, and guests take their places quietly, without visiting about, and speak only in lowest tones.
The bridegroom and best man arrive at the church together a quarter hour before time for the arrival of the bridal party, enter the church by a side door and wait until one of the ushers comes to tell them that the carriage of the bride's mother has arrived and a few moments later they enter. The clergyman also waits in the vestry and is ready in ample time. Should any unforeseen delay occur, such as a motor accident, the best man telephones the bridal party to wait at the house and delay coming to the church until notified, and the organist is asked to continue playing until told that all is in readiness.
Before the bridal party leaves the bride's home, the motors sent by the bride's family have brought the bridesmaids to the house, where they have been given their bouquets. Servants are sent on ahead to the church to be ready to take the wraps of the bride and her attendants in the vestibule and have them ready to put on again after the recessional.
The bridegroom's parents arrive at the church a few minutes before the bridal group and wait in the vestibule. The bride's mother comes in the first carriage from the bride's home, the maid of honor and bridesmaids follow, and the bride comes last with her father or the relative who is to give her away. Hers is the last car to arrive and waits ready to receive her and her husband, as they are the first to emerge from the church.
As the vestibule doors are closed after the bride's mother is seated she usually arrives a couple of minutes after the stated hour so that last minute arrivals may be seated before the doors are closed to them during the wedding march. The ribbons are then removed from the front pews.
As soon as the entire wedding party is assembled in the vestibule, the head usher escorts the bridegroom's mother to her pew, her husband following; he then returns and escorts the bride's mother to her pew, and a signal is given the organist as he returns to the vestibule, the doors of which have been closed while the procession has been forming. As the head usher reaches the door of the vestibule the wedding march begins and the clergyman enters from the vestry, followed by the bridegroom and best man. They advance slowly, the bridegroom standing on the chancel steps to the right of the center aisle, facing the guests, the best man a little to the rear and left. The bridegroom removes his right hand glove, holding it in his left hand.
At the same moment that the first strains of the wedding march bring clergyman and bridegroom, the doors of the vestibule are opened and the processional advances, the head usher stepping into his place. First come the ushers, two and two; then the bridesmaids, two and two; then the maid of honor alone, followed by the bride on the arm of her father. If there is a vested choir, this precedes the ushers. The rehearsal should have timed the procession, but it is well for each couple to count six beats after those ahead have started before they put left foot forward, and the bride waits eight beats before she follows the maid of honor. While the procession advances slowly, it should not lag, and all eyes should be forward and not wandering over the assemblage.
Sometimes the bridegroom advances a few steps as the bride approaches, or he may wait at the chancel, receive her from her father, take her hand and lead her forward to where the clergyman stands.
At the chancel the ushers divide to right and left; the bridesmaids also divide and stand before the ushers; the maid of honor stands to the left of the bride's position.
The bride is at the left of the bridegroom during the ceremony and her father stands back and a little to the left of the bridal pair. When the clergyman asks, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the bride's father steps forward as the bride turns slightly towards him, places her right hand in that of the clergyman, saying in audible tones, "I do," and steps back to join the bride's mother in her pew. The clergyman places the bride's hand in that of the bridegroom for the plighting of the troth. He then ascends to the altar, the bride and bridegroom following with the maid of honor and best man, the latter two carefully keeping to the outside and not following directly behind.
The bride draws off her right glove and hands it and her bouquet to her maid of honor, the best man gives the ring to the bridegroom and the troth is plighted.
Should the bride have no near male relative, her mother steps quietly forward at the clergyman's "Who giveth," etc., places the bride's hand in that of the clergyman and steps down again, or she may rise and make response from her pew, though the former procedure is usually preferred.
The ceremony over, the clergyman quickly congratulates the newly married pair, who lead the way, the bride on the arm of her husband and followed by the maid of honor, the bridesmaids and ushers in the same way they entered. The best man usually goes directly to the vestry, stopping to give the envelope containing his fee to the clergyman.
When there is a recessional the bridegroom does not kiss the bride at the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, but at a home wedding he does so.
ORDER OF THE WEDDING PROCESSION
Following is the relative order for various attendants, though few wedding parties would include all these groups:
The Processional
1. Vested choir, walking in pairs.
2. The ushers, walking in pairs.
3. Bridesmaids, walking in pairs.
4. Maid of honor, walking alone.
5. Flower girls, walking in pairs.
6. Ring bearer.
7. The bride on her father's arm.
8. Pages, holding the bride's train.
The choir march to their usual position and do not join the recessional, in which the order is as follows, with the best man following the maid of honor if he does not go to the vestry:
1. The bride on her husband's arm.
2. Pages.
3. Maid of honor.
4. Flower girls.
5. Ring bearer.
6. Bridesmaids.
7. Ushers.
Flower girls and pages are grouped in front of the bridesmaids during the ceremony, their position depending on space and the effect desired. The ring bearer would stand next to the best man during the wedditig ceremony.
The parents of the bride follow directly after the ushers and the bridegroom's parents come next. Ushers return to see that relatives of the bride and bridegroom and ladies who are alone are escorted from the church to their motors. The ushers and best man are usually the last to leave the church.
THE RECEPTION
When the bridal party has returned to the house, the bride's mother stands near the entrance of the room where guests are welcomed, the bridegroom's mother seldom receiving with her but standing near, and all guests make a point of speaking to both before going on to greet the newlymarried couple, who stand together further in the room. The bride stands on her husband's right, the maid of honor on his other side, and beyond her the bridesmaids. Fathers of bride and bridegroom mingle among the guests, and the ushers do the same, sometimes also escorting guests to the bride. A butler may announce guests as they enter the room, but that is not necessary.
What guests say depends on the degree of intimacy, but they generally tell the bride's mother how lovely her daughter looked, are "glad to meet" the bridegroom's mother if she is a stranger, and perhaps tell her what a good friend her son is, or, "Wasn't it a lovely wedding?" and they always remember to "congratulate" the bridegroom but
never use that word to the bride, whom they wish joy or happiness. She in her turn is tactful, remembering what gift each guest sent, and which person came from a distance, and lets her reply show her very personal appreciation of their presence. She introduces her husband to friends whom he has not met, and both they and their guests are smiling, friendly and brief, so that the line may pass quickly.
Music is supplied by a concealed string orchestra, not loud enough to be overpowering, and guests stand about or find the few chairs near the walls and chat with each other.
REFRESHMENTS
A buffet meal in the dining room is most satisfactory for managing a large crowd in a small house, the guests having such food as can easily be handled with a fork and spoon and needing no knife for cutting. Refreshments may be as simple or as elaborate as desired. Salads, croquettes of lobster or chicken, ices, cake, bonbons and coffee are all sufficient. White grape juice, made sparkling with charged water, has taken the place of champagne in most homes.
Servants are present to help serve guests, and only a few chairs are provided for elderly guests, the others standing about. The bridal party is generally last to be served, and they sit down and take their time.
Wedding cake may be ready in small boxes on a table, and each guest takes a box with him, or the bride may make the first cut in a large cake, after which the butler cuts the rest and the cake is passed to each guest as he is served, the latter method being preferred where all are served at the same time.
At a seated meal the bride and bridegroom sit at the head of their table with the bridal party about them, and at another table sit their parents and the officiating clergyman, together with the nearest relatives. The bride's father takes in the bridegroom's mother, the bride's mother goes in with the bridegroom's father, and the clergyman sits on her left.
For a breakfast or luncheon the following suggestion may be modified to suit (Menu by Elizabeth Clausen Williams, editor of Household Department, WomanÕs Weekly, author and lecturer on housefhold economics.):
Frosted Strawberries
Celery Bouillon Toasted Crackers
Olives Radishes
Ham Mousse Rice Croquettes
Macedoine Salad
Frozen Pudding Bride's Cake
Coffee Bonbons
THE DEPARTURE
After the meal there may be dancing, and the bride stays about an hour, dancing first with her husband. When she leaves she throws her bouquet to her bridesmaids at the foot of the stairs.
Her traveling gown is new, while the bridegroom usually prefers a dark colored business suit that he has worn a few times. The maid of honor assists the bride; the best man, the bridegroom. The latter goes to the room assigned to him shortly after the bride disappears, changes his clothing, sees that railroad tickets are handy and waits at the head of the stairs for the bride, and they descend the stairs together to the waiting motor.
The bride's mother ordinarily will slip away from her guests and go upstairs to say farewell to her daughter, or she is sent for when the bride is ready to leave. The bridegroom's parents should also be notified by the bride, since the bridegroom may not realize that he will have little chance for farewells after going downstairs, and his parents, especially if they are strangers and shy, will hesitate to intrude on the upper floors of the house without being invited to do so. But they will feel keenly not being given opportunity to say farewell to their son and new daughter and will be proportionately appreciative if that new daughter remembers to have them called to say good by.
Before the wedding the best man has taken all but final luggage to the station and checked it, or to the local hotel where he has registered for the couple, inspected the rooms to see all is in order and may even have seen that a vase of flowers is placed, and has brought the keys to the bridegroom so that he can go directly to the elevators and not have his bride wait in the lobby.
The throwing of rice or rose petals is an old custom, as is the throwing of the "good luck shoe," but the jolly leavetaking should not descend to boisterousness and vulgarity, to putting ribbons and notices on luggage or carriage or following the couple to hotel or train. The best man may follow alone to the train to see that all goes right there.
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| Throwing confetti as the bride and groom depart. Photo courtesy of lovedaylemon, on Flickr. |
THE HOME WEDDING
A home wedding is carried on much in the same fashion as a church wedding except that the former is simpler, there are fewer attendants and a screen of flowers serves in place of the altar. No admission cards are sent, and guests are as prompt as at a church wedding and keep back of the families of the contracting parties when they step forward before the ceremony.
All arrangements are made carefully and planned to be in readiness a full hour before the one stated; guests try to arrive about a quarter hour ahead of time and are greeted by the bride's mother as they enter the room.
A carriage man and door man may be supplied by the caterer, or a maid to open the door as guests reach the steps (and before they ring) is often all sufficient. A bride whose family is of limited means should not make display beyond what her family can afford, but let perfection of service and simple decoration take the place of an elaborate display. Wild flowers and home made sandwiches, ice cream and cakes are preferable to hot house blooms and caterer's fare to guests who know the latter to be beyond the means of their hosts.
A room is provided for the bridegroom where be can change his clothes after the ceremony, and there is one for the officiating clergyman to use when he dons and doffs his vestments. Neither the bride, her father nor the clergyman meets guests until after the wedding ceremony.
The ceremony is essentially the same as in a church. Two young girls may stretch ribbons to form an aisle, the clergyman enters from the side, followed by the bridegroom and best man, while the ushers step to the foot of the stairs until the bridal party starts down and then lead the way. If the bride's father is not living the bride may enter with her mother, who stands a few paces behind her until she gives her daughter away. But the daughter does not enter on her mother's arm.
As soon as the ceremony is over, the clergyman is first to offer congratulations, steps aside, and the young couple turn to face their guests. After the parents of bride and bridegroom have offered good wishes, the others come forward.
After about half an hour, refreshments are served — either a buffet meal or one at which guests are seated.
Women guests wear hats at a house wedding just as they do at a church, unless the bride asks them not to do
so. Only intimate friends remain to see the bride leave, unless there is dancing and the entire party stays to dance a little while after the young couple are gone; but generally the last of the guests leaves a few minutes after the bride's departure, on the assumption that the family wish to be alone.
While guests are not "received" at a church, the bride's mother, or, if she is not living, some other relative or friend delegated to the duty, greets all guests at the house wedding as they come or as they enter the house to the reception or breakfast.
THE COUNTRY WEDDING
The country wedding is much the same as one in town except that the bridal party sometimes dispense with gloves in summer and wear thin summer costumes, even the men in a garden wedding sometimes defying strict etiquette and wearing white.
HOTEL WEDDINGS
People living in hotels may use the offered house of a friend or may engage a suite of rooms at the hotel and treat it as a private house, with dressing rooms, a large room where the ceremony is held, and private dining rooms with special service provided by the hotel.
WEDDINGS FOR THOSE IN MOURNING
If the family of the bride is in mourning the guests at the wedding ceremony are confined to a few friends and relatives; the bride and bridegroom may each have one attendant, and possibly there may be ushers, but no other attendants. If the bridegroom is in deep mourning the bride will keep the wedding party small and have a quiet wedding out of deference to him and his family. All mourning is laid aside for the day, not even a mourning band being used, the bride and her attendant wearing all white and older members of the family wearing white, gray or plain (not mourning) black. A bridesmaid who is in mourning may wear any color for the day, since her costume is regarded in the light of a uniform for the occasion.
A guest in deep mourning either lays it aside for the time or goes only into a rear pew or the church gallery, where her weeds will not sadden the wedding party.
If there is serious illness or death, a family may recall wedding invitations and have the wedding ceremony privately performed on the designated day.
THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
For an invitation to a wedding anniversary the form of the usual wedding invitation is modified as follows:
1874 1924
Mr. and Mrs. Ira West
request the pleasure of
your company on the
Fiftieth anniversary of their marriage
on Wednesday evening, the ninth of July
at half after nine o'clock
The favor of an answer
is requested Fifty three Easton Avenue
CHAPTER XXII
AFRER THE WEDDING
THE custom of making a long wedding journey is less popular than formerly. A short stay in the country or at the seaside, a honeymoon in the camp of some friend or an automobiIe trip may precede the settling in the new home.
As soon as the bride is settled, if her "at home" cards have given no dates, she lets her friends know when she may be found at home. Every member of the bridal party calls upon the bride's mother within a few days after the ceremony, and upon the bride as soon as she is at home to visitors.
The bride has her first experience as hostess and will generally do better to follow local customs at first if she has moved from her home town, since old inhabitants resent innovations by strangers while they will accept them once the bride is established in their own set. This does not mean she must not do any novel entertaining, but merely that she shall not transgress local social conventions.
Callers leave cards, and she must return all first calls within two weeks even if she neglects to return a second call and thereby terminates undesired acquaintanceships. She may call first upon elderly or invalid friends and relations of the bridegroom if they ask her to do so. She will make haste slowly in choosing her friends and try to gather a group of those she wishes to keep. In small towns the neighbors may call, or members of a church she attends, or the wives of business associates of her husband may visit her, but she can make no initial calls nor force the situation beyond offering to do church work such as she did in her home city or joining some community association to make acquaintances.
The custom of inviting newly married couples to teas, dinners and dances is usual. The young wife is punctilious in making necessary formal calls, but at first no return invitations are expected from her and she will do well to make her first entertaining informal, until she knows that her household will run smoothly and which people will mix. Better an informal tea, a small luncheon or a few friends invited to an informal dinner than more pretentious efforts that do not work out smoothly.
Older folk will invite the young people with no expectation of return in kind. Mrs. Gregory, social arbiter of Woodville, enjoys the opportunity of making the new daughter in law of her old friend Mrs. Thornton the guest of honor at a formal dinner, but she is quite content if, in return, young Mrs. Thornton proves herself a charming and courteous guest, says she has had a delightful evening when she bids her hostess good night, calls within two weeks and some weeks later telephones to ask Mrs. Gregory to tea some afternoon when others of the older set, as well as some of the younger women, are to be present.
The bride is wise who is a good listener rather than a constant talker; who is friendly with her husband's friends and relatives, trying to overcome any coldness by tactful courtesy; who ignores any attempt to discuss her husband's friends, especially his women friends, and does not allow gossip about a former "sweetheart" to disconcert her. She probably had other men attentive to her before she made her choice and should take it as natural that her husband liked other girls before he met her.
Her home background will do much in establishing a bride in the esteem of her acquaintances. A shabby, disorderly house, a carelessly dressed hostess or one who shows a lack of interest in others will keep a bride from being welcomed after such conditions become known, quite as much as will an over pretentious house where refinement and culture are evidently lacking. The simplest home if attractively and artistically furnished is far more appealing to guests of real discrimination.
From: Standard Book of Etiquette: Social Forms and Good Manners for All Occasions
By Renée B. Stern
1924
