Courtship Courtesy

Courtship courtesy may be said to comprise all, those little graceful attentions which bloom along the young girl's road to engagement and marriage. Gifts of flowers and candy, theatre parties and dances are all regarded through the glass of romance as just so many poems of affection which the admirer offers the object of his admiration. Flowers and candy, in particular, when they are presented by a wooer, wordless please for favor or wordless hymns of praise, unusually be speak a feeling as sincere and devoted as that expressed in the love lay of any old-time troubadour.

But the real courtship courtesies of a lover, in more exact sense of the term, do not begin until he has been singled out as the one favored person among others by the lady of his love. It is then, when the suitor has been accepted, when the lover's prayer has been granted, that his gifts gain a more intimate and personal flavor; it is then that the courtesies of love assume a more distinct value and importance.

He is now sure that his affection is returned by the object of his choice. But in modern life, his lady's approval is no the only one to be gained. Among the courtesies of courtship must be reckoned the graceful winning over of the girl's parents. Discourtesy, actually, is disregard of the rights of others. The ignoring of the rights of parents to be consulted where a daughter's happiness is concerned, is an extreme form of this disregard. Hence securing the consent of a girl's parents to her eventual union with him may be regarded as one of the lover's first courtship courtesies in connection with his engagement.

Not are these courtesies incumbent on him alone. It is not alone etiquette but courtesy as well which dictates that within twenty-four hours after the girl's father has given his consent to an engagement, the parents of the bridegroom call upon the elected bride. If one of her intended's parents be ill, the other must call; for this is a courtship courtesy that they must observe. If the young man's parents are not living a near relative, and an uncle or an aunt, should call in their place. The deepest mourning does not dispense with observance of this law of courtesy due the bride-to-be.

The courtesies of gift-giving now enter upon a new phase, one largely controlled by individual circumstances. If a girl's fiancé is saving in order to marry, the encouragement of extravagant presents of cut flowers and expensive confections show a lack of common sense on her part, much as she may appreciate these courtship courtesies. If her fiancé is a man of means, however, she is no longer restricted to the nonintimate gifts in order before their engagement. About the only three things a girl cannot accept from her fiancé without violating good form are articles of apparel, or a house and furniture and a motor car. Everything else, practically, is permissible. Yet there are delicate distinctions. A man may present his fiancé with jewels of the greatest value; and he may give her a fur scarf, but the gift of a fur coat is a serious transgression of the courtesy rule. This is because a scarf is an ornament, but a coat is cloths; and no woman can accept cloths from her fiancé.

With regard to the engagement ring, the finest and most considerate courtesy demands that the suitor consult the girl's taste and not his own in its selection. He may, however, buy the ring without consulting her if he sees fit. All the precious stones have their meaning: the diamond, which symbolizes purity and perfection, is the most graceful tribute to the bride-to-be; and so is the sapphire, the blue stone of perfect faith and trustfulness. The ruby is a token of the giver's passion, his ardent love for the one to whom it is given; but pearls, emblems of tears, and the opal, the stone off ill luck, are to be avoided. While no obligation rests upon the girl to give him a return engagement gift, a cigarette case, cuff links, a watch charm or some similar article is a graceful courtship courtesy in which she may indulge.

The following courtesies should all be observed in connection with an engagement: 1. The relatives of the groom-to-be must all call on the prospective bride when they are informed of the engagement, and the girl should return their visits as soon as possible. 2. In the case of a recent death in either family, the engagement is not publicly announced until the mourning period is over. This announcement must come from the parents of the bride-to-be. It is a gross violation of courtship courtesy for any member of the man's family to spread the news of the engagement at a dinner given by the girl's parents, the father proposing his daughter's health and that of his son-in-law to be at dessert. Instead of a dinner, the engagement may be announced at an afternoon tea at the bride's home, for which cards have been issued, the engaged couple receiving together with the bride's mother.

In connection with the parties, dances, etc., which— especially if the engagement be a short one— are given the fiancé, the bride-elect often receives some little engagement gifts. Personal trifles, from intimate friends, are not all obligatory, though they constitute a graceful courtship courtesy.

Once a man and girl are definitely engaged certain courtship courtesies they owe each other are obvious. While no engaged man is dispensed from proper social attentions due to other women, it is self-evident that he can not pay any other women given the fiancée, the bride-elect often receives intimate nature. In the same way, an engaged girl should avoid having her name coupled with that of any particular man other than her intended, sit out dances with him, etc.

Then come the courtesies the engaged persons themselves owe society. In Baltimore and Philadelphia a chaperone is a social courtesy with which the engaged couple may dispense when going to theatre parties of dances. In Boston and New York, the chaperon is an essential. No engaged couple should ever take a journey which lasts over night, nor should fiancées motor to roadhouses for meals unchaperoned. Society regards as discourteous the dining of engaged couples alone in restaurants, but condones their lunching or taking afternoon tea.

In general, though "all the world loves a lover," it does not appreciate a public display of happiness on his part. Courtship courtesy—even in these free and easy days—regards showing any amatory emotion in public as distinctly vulgar. Lovers, naturally are supposed to kiss and cuddle—but not before others—for this is a courtship discourtesy which society at large justly resents. In general, courtship should and does bring out in every man the finest flower in his courtesy and consideration. It is during courtship that he most desires to appear at his best in the eyes of the person to whom he is paying court. Too many lovers, alas, allow courtship courtesy to lapse after marriage, instead of continuing it as a lifelong habit,

From: The Women's Library: The Book of Culture
By Harriet Lane
1922