The Engagement
When our grandmothers were engaged, the minister rose in his pulpit on Sunday morning, before the assembled congregation, and proclaimed the 'banns,' stating that if any one knew just cause or lawful impediment why the lovers should not be married, he should state it there and then. Sometimes a great hubbub was created when some discarded suitor rose, forbidding the banns, and claimed that the capricious maiden had previously promised herself to him. Perhaps it was to avoid such an uncomfortable check on the freedom of flirtation that the ancient custom was dropped.
Certain it is, that to be 'engaged' sits very lightly on the minds of both young men and maidens now-a-days. We know some of either sex who make it a boast how often they have made and unmade this slender tie. It is a dangerous pastime. 'The hand of little use hath the daintier touch,' and they who thus trifle with their affections will end by losing the capacity to feel any real affection at all.
Undoubtedly there occur instances where a woman has pledged herself in all seriousness, and afterwards sees her affianced in a light which warns her that she cannot be happy with him, — that the vows she will be called upon to pronounce at the altar will be hollow and false. What is she to do?
We are not inditing the decrees of the Court of Love. Here is the advice of another to her hand:
'First to thine own self be true,
And then it follows, as the night the day,
That thou canst ne'er be false to any man.'
Concerning Long Engagements
They are hurtful, and they are unnecessary. Is love so vagrant that it must be tied by such a chain? Better let it go. True love asks no oath; it casteth out fear, and believes without a promise.
There are other reasons, sound physiological reasons, which we could adduce, if need were, to show that the close personal relations which arise between persons who are engaged should not be continued too long a time. They lead to excitement and debility, sometimes to danger and disease. Especially is this true of nervous, excitable, sympathetic dispositions.
If we are asked to be definite, and give figures, we should say that a period of not longer than a year, nor shorter than three months, should intervene between the engagement and the marriage.
The Right Time of Year to Marry
Woman, when she marries, enters upon a new life, and a trying one. Every advantage should be in her favour. The season is one of those advantages. Extreme heat and extreme cold both wear severely on the human frame. Mid-winter and mid-summer are, therefore, alike objectionable, especially the latter.
Spring and fall are usually chosen, as statistics show, and the preference is just. On the whole, the spring is rather to be recommended than the autumn. In case of a birth within the year, the child will have attained sufficient age to weather its period of teething more easily ere the next summer.
The Right Time of the Month to Marry
We mean the woman's own month, that which spans the time between her periodical sicknesses, be it two of five weeks. Let her chose a day about equidistant from two periods. The reasons for this we shall specify hereafter.
The Wedding Tour
Custom prescribes a journey immediately after marriage, of a week or a month or two. It is an unwise provision. The event itself is disturbance enough for the system; and to be hurried hither and thither, stowed in narrow berths and inconvenient carriages, troubled with baggage, and annoyed by the importunities of cabmen, waiters, and hangers-on of every description, is enough, in ordinary times, to test the temper of a saint.
The foundation of many an unhappy future is laid on the wedding tour. Not only is the young wife tried beyond all her experience, and her nervous system harassed, but the husband, too, partakes of her weakness. Many men, who really love the women they marry, are subject to a slight revulsion of feeling for a few days after marriage. "When the veil falls, and the girdle is loosened,' says the German poet Schiller, 'the fair illusion vanishes. " A half regret crosses their minds for the jolly bachelorhood they have renounced. The mysterious charms which gave their loved on the air of something more than human, disappear in the prosaic sunlight of familiarity.
Let neither be alarmed, nor lose their self-control. Each requires indulgence, and management, from the other; both should demand from themselves patience and self-command. A few weeks, and this danger is over; but a mistake now is the mistake of a lifetime. More than one woman has confessed to us that her unhappiness commenced from her wedding tour; and when we inquired more minutely, we have found that it arose from an ignorance and disregard of just such little precautions as we have been referring to.
Yet it is every way advisable that the young pair should escape the prying eyes of friends and relatives at such a moment. Let them choose some quiet resort, not too long a journey from home, where they can pass a few weeks in acquiring that more intimate knowledge of each other's character so essential to their future happiness.
From: The Physical Life of Woman: Advice to the Maiden, Wife, and Mother
By George H. Napheys, A.M., M.D.,
1875
